Holy Confusion, Batman!

As I sat reading my Bible this morning, I had to keep praying for wisdom and focus and then re-read the verses yet again to try and get a better understanding. My "assigned" reading this morning was Hebrews 6:1-12. I guess I'm not the only one who has trouble following this, though, as apparently this particular passage of scripture can be considered pretty controversial. Can a saved person lose their salvation? I personally think no - not if one is truly saved and comes to God with a humbled heart filled with repentance.

I guess this makes me think of my own life. I said the sinner's prayer on Februray 3, 1991. I was almost 10. In fact, it was my dad's birthday. I went to my preacher after talking with my mom about being saved (she drove me to church early before that evening's service). I spoke with Preacher Ricky and my mom, he went through the Roman's Road to salvation with me, I said the prayer and that was that. I was baptized a week later. I remember feeling good, knowing that I had done something good, but looking back on it, I didn't really "get it." I didn't have a full understanding of sin and God's grace and putting your faith in Jesus Christ. Because of this, of the fact that my heart wasn't really changed, I don't really think I was saved because I didn't understand what I needed saving from.

As I grew, instead of maturing in my faith, I flat out rebelled. I went to church because my mom made me go, not because I wanted to go. I did stupid, but unfortunately typical, teenage stuff. I lied to my parents without so much as a moment's hesitation (lucky for me, I was a terrible liar and my parents found out about stuff before I got myself into too much trouble - although there was a car incident that had could have cost me my life). I eventually quit going to church altogether because it cut into my social time. I worshipped my own agenda rather than Jesus. I went to college with this mentality and it just went south from there.

Finally, at 20 years old, I'd had my heart broken. Partying no longer made me happy and I hated picking up drunk "friends" from bars in the middle of the night when they didn't want to call a cab. I had put my faith in people who failed me, and had done some things that I will forever regret. I guess this was my "rock bottom." I started going to a church that had a great group of other 20-somethings. I began to read my Bible again. I started to actually hunger for some purpose to my life and began to really understand what my life was missing.  I remember the day I fell on my face before God in my room and asked Him for his forgiveness and for Jesus to come and live through me. I hungered for God's Word and drank it in. I stopped trying to find my own fulfillment in others and started looking to Jesus. For the first time in my life, I was truly a child of God. I received salvation from my sins because I put my faith in Christ as my only hope in this life and life eternal.

Back to my life now - I went for a few years where I forgot about that thirst and hunger and let other things take its place. However, God has continued to bless me and love me even when I let Him down - I would be reminded of Jesus and pray to Him sporadically. Barry and I began searching for a church home a couple of years ago and have finally found where we belong. The hunger for Jesus was there all along, it seems - I just got in my own way and didn't continue to mature in my faith. I was stagnant. I don't believe for a millisecond that I had lost my salvation, though. The change in my life after I accepted Christ was too big.

Maturity in faith, to me, means striving each day to be better than the day before in terms of my relationship with Jesus. The milk of the gospel is no longer enough - I need more to grow and learn. Proof of this growth will be seen in the the fruit I bear for Jesus. My goal each day should be to reach others for Him, whether it's here in my own home with my children or out in the world through the people I meet.

God, I thank you again for my salvation and for the forgiveness you offer for the times I still fail you. I pray, as I mature, that you grant me wisdom and the opportunity to reach others for you. Give me the ability to love and serve others in a way that glorifies you. Guide me where you want me to be. Help me to bear fruit here in my own home as a mother and a wife, as well. Thank you, Father, for providing the guidebook through your Word and help me keep my focus on you so that the hunger I feel for the Bible never fades. In Jesus's precious and holy name, Amen.